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What to do when you’re expecting certain doom – a guide by an Anxious Sixthformer

Option One: Panic

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If you’re British, you’ll doubtless know the mantra ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’. I have no idea where this came from, but it’s become a cultural phenomenon. However, it’s a little inaccurate. If you’re presented with a challenging situation, then you normally just end up swearing. And, occasionally, getting increasingly fed up to the point that you just hurl the offending thing across the room at the furthest wall. When it doubt, fuck that calmness.

Option Two: Look at the inside of your eyelids with forced calm

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However, if you do prefer to ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’, then this may be a little preferable.

Option Three: Eat

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I… Can’t recommend this one, as all the GPs of the world will sue me, but this is what I most often turn to. It makes you feel ill and it gives you spots, but god, does it solve those problems for those three seconds that you’re actually eating. Good comfort foods include chocolate, tuna, bacon, blue cheese, brandy butter and leftover crackers from Christmas supper.

Option Four: Go fucking crazy

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Panicking pales in comparison to this. Panicking fucking eats the shoes of this. Panicking shits its pants when it looks at this. Phone that damn company up, and give them a piece of your mind! Just be thankful that this isn’t Orwell’s made up place from 1984, because it means you won’t be dead after that conversation has finished. Unless you accidentally call the CIA.

 

 

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